Find the Beliefs that Drive Your Behavior
“The best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.” ~ Scott Adams
What are core beliefs? How do we discover them? And can we change them? These are questions that we should be asking if we hope to be mentally healthy and succeed in life. Have you ever wondered why that behavior just won’t go away no matter how hard you try? You know it’s not healthy and you think about changing it all the time. It is because of what you believe, not what you think.
What are core beliefs?
They are deeply held beliefs that inform how we see ourselves, others, and the world. They influence every perception and decision. They operate as unstated rules for how the world works and our role in it. It is possible to have core beliefs that are inconsistent with one another, creating an inner conflict, or cognitive dissonance. For instance, a person may believe alcohol is bad for their health while also believing there are benefits in drinking, such as stress relief. This conflict also occurs when our actions do not fit with our beliefs. For example, a person who believes yelling at kids is harmful but does it anyway.
Core beliefs tend to be rigid and inflexible, even if they are not reasonable, accurate, or based on evidence. A belief refuses to notice the evidence against it and sees only what confirms it. For example, believing you are unlikeable even though you are friendly and have friends, but obsessing over the person who didn’t return your call. When we are forced to see the evidence that threatens a belief, we resist because it becomes very uncomfortable. To avoid this discomfort, we protect the belief by rationalizing, ignoring and even denying the thing that doesn’t fit the belief. This is confirmation bias stemming from the Reticular Activating System
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How do we discover our false core beliefs?
Talking with a counselor or therapist who asks quality questions can be very helpful. Journaling is also a great way to discover core beliefs, but we don’t intuitively know where to begin because beliefs are so ingrained that they feel true, making it difficult to identify and define them.
An example of how this plays out might be a young child who is bitten by a dog, resulting in an immediate perception (belief) that dogs are dangerous. However, since dog bites are quite common, why do most adults know that not all dogs are dangerous? If that child is not consistently exposed to nice dogs, as most kids are, there would be nothing to challenge the belief and replace it with the truth that most dogs are safe. In time, confirmation bias causes the child to notice only mean or mean-looking dogs while ignoring the gentler-looking animals. Again, if nothing happens to reverse the belief, this child will become an adult with a fear of dogs. They do not need to remember the original trauma for the fear to persist.
The process of discovering our core beliefs is getting curious about why we do what we do and asking ourselves if there is evidence that might challenge the answers we find.
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Can core beliefs be changed?
If we ask the right questions, we can discover beliefs, see proof of the lie, and exchange them with truth. In the example of the dog, it might sound like “some dogs are dangerous, but most are nice.” Then that person will choose behaviors to confirm the truth, namely, interacting with dogs until they are comfortable.
If, in our discovery process, we find core beliefs that are likely false, we can change them by systematically replacing them with the truth. This often happens naturally through the G.R.O.W. model of journaling, so once you discover a false belief, you can use that template to rewire the true thoughts into your nervous system.
The following is a list of questions that will get you started. If you answer yes to more than two in each category, that is likely an area of a core belief.
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Abandoned, Invisible, or Insignificant Core Beliefs
Do you often feel overlooked or unimportant?
Are you often lonely?
Do you crave attention or praise from others?
While you were growing up were your mother or father emotionally or physically unavailable to you? Were they absent or neglectful?
Growing up did you often feel small, invisible, or insignificant?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you are either neglected or you are dominating?
Do you often think significant people in your life are not doing enough to stay connected to you?
Inferior or Flawed Core Beliefs
Did you grow up feeling “less than” others (ability, looks, achievement, or relationships)?
Were you often criticized by parents or other authority figures?
Do you frequently compare yourself to others in a negative way?
Do you feel like you must be perfect to be any good at all?
When you look in the mirror is your first tendency to notice what is wrong about yourself?
Do you find yourself in relationships that either cause you to feel very important or not important at all?
Is your self-talk often centered around what is wrong with you?
Anxious Core Beliefs
Did you have a stressful or unpredictable childhood?
Do you have frequent feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or panic?
Do you tend to predict the worst or see the future with fear?
Are you sensitive to rejection or have a fear of being judged by others?
Do you tend to avoid conflict at all costs?
Do you find yourself in relationships that either attract drama or are very calming to you?
Do you hear yourself often thinking, “What if …?”
Wounded Core Beliefs
Have you experienced significant emotional trauma in the past, such as bullying or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse?
Have you experienced intense periods of stress, such as being taken into foster care, or being in a fire, flood, or assault?
Do you have recurrent and upsetting thoughts of a past traumatic event (pandemic lockdown, molestation, accident, fire, etc.)?
Do you have marked physical responses to events that remind you of a past upsetting event (such as sweating when getting in a car if you had been in a car accident)?
Do you avoid situations that cause you to remember an upsetting event?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you are abused or where you abuse?
Should and Shaming Core Beliefs
Were you raised in a culture of shame or guilt, where people tried to control you by making you feel bad?
Were you often humiliated, embarrassed, belittled, judged, or criticized?
Do you want to hide, withdraw, or engage in self-harmful behaviors in secret?
Do you routinely feel like guilt is motivating your actions and prompting you to do things that don’t fit your wants or goals?
Do you often use the terms, “I should, I shouldn’t, I need to.”
Special, Spoiled, or Entitled Core Beliefs
Did you have parents or caregivers who never said no to you?
Do you tend to lack empathy for others?
Do you get angry or rude if you don’t get your way?
Do you feel like others should do things for you?
Do you often say or think, “You owe me …” “I deserve …” or “It’s their fault …”
Are your relationships mostly centered around what you want?
Do you easily give up on jobs or relationships that don’t focus on your needs?
Responsible Core Beliefs
Did you ever feel powerless to help someone you loved who was suffering?
Does helping others make you feel significant?
If something bad happened to a loved one (illness, accident, etc.), did you think it was your fault?
Do you feel it’s your duty to help others?
Do you tend to take on too much responsibility?
Do you often use the terms, “I should, I shouldn’t, I need to.”
Angry Core Beliefs
While growing up were you hurt, shamed, bullied, abused, or disappointed by others?
Do you experience frequent anger or irritability?
Do you get easily frustrated and take it out on others?
Have people ever told you that are rude or inconsiderate?
Do you tend to purposely ignore others or act in a belittling or condescending way when upset?
Judgmental Core Beliefs
Growing up did you perceive life was unfair?
Do you feel a need to correct others when they are wrong?
Do you tend to be critical of others?
Do you tend to tell others what they should think or feel?
Do you say things like, “If I was king or queen the world would be a better place?”
Do you find yourself in relationships with very controlling and belittling people or where you are controlling or belittling?
Do you often use the terms, “They should, They shouldn’t, They need to.”
Grief and Loss Core Beliefs
Have you lost someone important to you that you continue to think about? (such as through death, separation, or divorce; breakup of a love interest, close friend, or peer group; having a partner with dementia; or empty nest syndrome).
Have you lost something important? (such as your health, job, finances)
Have you lost an attachment to ideas or what could have been? (identity, success, having a healthy child – when yours has a disability)
Do you have anxiety or depression that still persists after a loss?
Do you find it hard to let go of what might have been?
Do you think about and fear obsessively over losing something/someone in your life.
Are you either clingy or aloof in your relationships?
Hopeless or Helpless Core Beliefs
Do you often feel hopeless, helpless, or fatalistic?
Do you often feel sad or depressed?
Do you feel powerless to change how you feel?
Do your thoughts tend to be negative?
Do you often feel life is not worth living?
Do you see yourself as a victim (think that you have no choices or power to change your circumstances)?
Do you often tell others how miserable your life is
Example of rewiring new core beliefs with journaling
The Self-Talk: Everyone ends up hurting me. I get burned in every relationship. People are just mean. I can’t do anything to stop others from taking advantage of me. I guess I attract toxic people.
The Belief: Everyone hurts me.
The Source: My parents ignored me and my older siblings bullied me relentlessly. Later, I was bullied in school, and since then, I gravitate to people who don’t treat me very well.
The Challenge: It’s true that I was victimized as a child, but I’m not bullied now, and I can choose to stay away from mean people. I can leave people or situations where I’m being hurt. I can talk to the person hurting me. Not everyone hurts me. There are plenty of people in my life that haven’t hurt me, probably even most. Maybe I’m drawn to mean people to prove to myself I’m a victim.
The New True Belief: Most people don’t hurt me, and I am not a victim.
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Template: Core Belief Journal
As with the G.R.O.W. model, you will want to spend substantial time journaling about and replacing the false beliefs you discover.
The Self-Talk. (focus only on one area at a time)
Write out the thoughts that cross your mind when you are feeling down about a relationship.
The Belief. (one only)
Write out the belief however it feels true. Include variations.
The Source.
How do you think this belief developed, and how long have you believed it?
How have you seen it show up in your life/behavior?
The Challenge.
Ask yourself if this belief is true according to what you know and according to evidence.
What is the truth?
The New True Belief.
Formulate at least one neutral or positive statement that is true, and then be intentional about replacing the belief with the truth every time it comes back.